Hip-Veda

by Rick Brown

Bhagavad Gita for Surfers - Part I

About a-gazillion years ago, or more like, seriously WAY back, there was this radical prince dude named Arjuna (even he never surfed Pipeline or Jaws, still he got this big kahuna reputation coz he could shoot the eye of a fish, or somethin').

He was a mate with his Bud, Krishna, a former cowboy-turned-playboy-turned-political advisor (who's, like, mega-cool and actually, at least GOD! or some MONDO kinda cosmic heavyweight). Arjuna and his non-surfing kook bros got ripped-off by those dirt-bag Kauravas, who were sons of that old blind king dude, who was kinda Arjuna's uncle because of some family BS.

Anyway, these Kaurava cats were headed by jerk-in-chief named Duryodhan (who's like a friggen greaser! Shit! Dude's probably never even SEEN the ocean), and they ripped off Arjuna and his bros by being unfair and un-square ass holes!!! (forget karma, dude!). Total bummer.

So this all leads up to a mega rumble. Like a Vedic "West Side Story" but here the Sharks and the Jets are the Kauravas (BAD GUYS (wink! Wink!), and the Pandavas, Arjuna's gang (GOOD GUYS). And they're gonna have this gnarly gang-fight over ownership of a "point-of-a-needle of earth" (way I figure, since Krishna lived on the beach, so it was probably a "grain of sand" in stead of some friggen inland 'kook' dirt)..

Just before they start to seriously kick some ass, Arjuna asks Krishna to drive his ride over to go check out the scene. Man, everywhere he looked it was, like, all some kinda family ties. So Arjuna got bummed! He told Krishna, "Screw this! I 'm a friggen conscientious objector, and I want out!"

Krishna's like, "Dude!?!"

But Arjuna is seriously zoned and feeling bummed-out. He figures it's better off if he splits to the Himalayas and lives in a cave, like Bin Laden and his sidekick, the peg-legged doctor named Jihad, or something.

Finally Arjuna looks at Krishna and says, "Man, it's YOUR call!"

Krishna kinda grins, "Dude! You're really on-the-rag! I'm listening to you spout off all this chicken-sh*t pacifistic crap - like you're a friggen twink or something. Jeez! I thought you had some balls, bro! Stop rappin' like a damn kook!"

Arjuna is like, "Jeez, Man! I already said it was 'Your call' - so like, what's it gonna be? War or Peace?"

PURPORT: Up until this point in Krishna's story He's already killed just about more people than friggen Hitler. So it's pretty unlikely that Krishna's gonna say, "Make love not war!" Daa!!! It doesn't take, like, a rocket surgeon to figure that one out. Still, there's probably some commie pinko knee jerk liberal that thinks Krishna should pretend like he's Mahatma Gandhi or something. Little did they know that the damn Muslims were gonna end up worse than the "reds". I mean, even that funny-haired dude in North Korea or North Shore, or wherever, like, even he's better than a friggen terrorist. Good thing too, coz he's gotta few nukes hangin' out.

Bhagavad Gita for Surfers - Part II

In the Hindu Bible, Srimad Bhagavad Gita, just before the start of the Kurukshetra war, Lord Krishna tells Arjuna,

"Raso-aham-apsu kaunteya!" - I am the taste of water, …among animals I'm the lion, among birds I'm the eagle, among fish I'm the shark, and so on…

Well, Krishna only gave a partial list, which could be updated like…

"Oh Arjuna, among rock bands I'm the Beatles, Among bad guys I'm Hitler, among fashion models I'm Twiggy, and among Basketball players I'm Wilt the stilt,

"Among guns I'm the bazooka, among bombs I'm the H bomb, among great actors I'm a cross between Robert Di Nero & Al Pachino, and among corny actors I'm Bombay Dev Anand,

"Among aging babes I'm Bridget Bardot, among left-wing commie pinko traitors I'm Jane Fonda, among fast food restaurants I'm Howard Johnsons, and among things to avoid like the plague I'm the plague,

"Among bridges up-for-sale I'm the Brooklyn Bridge, among golf players I'm the son of Tiger Woods' Dad, among spiders I'm the friggen Funnel Spider, and among things that are NOT 'Cool Aid' I'm Agent Orange,

"Among smart directors I'm Tobe Hooper, Among wise-ass Vulcans I'm Spock, among lousy rock bands I'm the Move, and among radical guitar players I'm Jimi Hendrix,

"Among bimbos I'm Brittany Spears, among playing cards I'm the Ace, among Motorcycles I'm Triumph, and among brave soldiers I'm Audie Murphy,

"Among jokers I'm Cheech & Chong, among tenors I'm Mario Lanza, among jerks I'm Lyndon Johnson, and among wackos I'm Charles Manson,

"Among big monkeys I'm King Kong, among Mexican knives I'm the switch blade, among Italian knives I'm the stilletto, and among Ugandan knives I'm the machete,

"Among African-Americans I'm Rochester, among dick-heads to work for I'm Jack Benny, among non-lying Presidents I'm, I'm, (ah, lets pass on this), and among bystanders I'm Jack Ruby,

"Among monumental screw-ups I'm the partition of India into Pakistan, among airplanes I'm Air Force One, among racist groups I'm the Klu Klux Klan, and as proof of a Masonic-Templar-Illuminati conspiracy I'm the $1 bill,

"Among famous movie lines I'm: "Play it again, Sam!", among horny bastards I'm a friggen mormon, among good jokes I'm the Polish Coyote, and among bad jokes I'm the "knock knock" joke,

"Among Psychedelic music magazines I'm Ugly Things, among rock bands that SHOULD have "made it" I'm The Misunderstood, among poison gases I'm Sarin, and among health foods I'm carrot juice,

"Among hoaxes perpetrated on the world I'm the Moon Walk, among the world's royalty I'm the King of Thailand, among good causes I'm Mother Teresa, and among bad causes I'm terrorism,

"Among loud rock bands I'm Spinal Tap, among loud amp volumes I'm 11, among wild guitar players I'm Angus Young, and among Las Vegas has-beens I'm Tom Jones,

"Among Las Vegas winners I'm the slot machine, among soft drinks I'm Cream Soda, among Cool Scenes I'm Bangkok, and of sick museums I'm the Cambodia 'Killing Fields' Memorial,

"Among Scientologists I'm Tom Cruise, among false prophets I'm Jim Jones, among hipster cops I'm Sonny Crockett, and among absurd inventions I'm the pogo stick,

"Among Years I'm the leap year, among obnoxious surfers I'm Mickey Dora, among guilty SOBs I'm the illegitimate son of OJ Simpson and Mike Jackson, and among bad movies I'm Chuck Norris's MIA,

"Among shit-out-of-luck ships I'm the Titanic, among those you don't want to piss off I'm Tony Jaa, among bad choices for a cell mate I'm A-Team's Mr. T, and among sources of the truth I'm Deep Throat,

"Among disgraced comebacks I'm Pee Wee Herman, among heavyweight boxing champions I'm Rocky (Marciano), among nut-case big wave surfers I'm "Double D" (Darrick Doerner), among great fights I'm Leonard v/s Hearns, and among lousy fights I'm Leonard v/s No Mas,

"Among dancers I'm Chubby Checker, among successful preposterous-nonsense books I'm Harry Potter, among radical surf spots I'm Jaws, and among COOL songs I'm "Shapes of Things" by the Yardbirds,

"Among over-rated guitar players I'm Eric Clapton, among super guitar players I'm a toss up between Jeff Beck and his student Joe Satriani, among righteous surf conditions I'm 6 foot and glassy point break, and among surf-boards I'm the Phil Edwards model,

"Among great rubies that turned out to be spinels I'm the Timur, among astrologers who "just don't get it about gems & astrology" I'm Tom Hopke, among stolen treasures I'm the Crown Jewels of England, and among bad tastes I'm caviar,

"Among attacks I'm D-Day, among great tastes I'm yummy Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup, among hated people I'm any IRS agent, among lawyers I'm Ken Starr, and among mistakes I'm the Viet Nam War,

"Among dead-as-a-doornail-chicks I'm Lady Di, among things to avoid I'm an Ice Berg, among things not to give your kids to play with I'm plutonium, and among great cartoonists I'm Don Martin,

"Among aliens I'm THE Alien, among monsters worse than the Alien I'm Ripley, among baby-boomers I'm the adopted Son of Alan Ginsberg & Richard Alpert, among gnarly massacres I'm Mai Lai, and among good Indian sweets I'm Ras-gulla,

"Among super-heroes I'm The Hulk, among dumb-shit police I'm Serpico, among non-bullet-proof presidents I'm John Kennedy, and among good deals I'm Jamie's 'The Green Album',

"Among good reasons NOT to get born rich I'm J Paul Getty Jr., among dirt-bag generals I'm Westmoreland, among all pains in the neck I'm Elliot Ness, and among sexy dudes I'm Zorro,

"Among ugly watches I'm Rado, among great inventions I'm the iPhone, among awesome guitar solos I'm Jeff Beck on Mister Ur a Better Man than I, and among ALL idiotic creations ever on the face of the Earth I'm MS DOS,

"Among marbles I'm the Steely, among hip cats I'm Steve Jobs, among enforcers of the law I'm Clint Eastwood, and among all things not advisable for those over the age of 90 I'm the skate board.,

"Among crooks I'm Robert Vesco, among war mongers I'm Charlie Heston, among mice I'm Mighty Mouse, among Road-Runners I'm Beep Beep, and among jokes I'm the PUNCH LINE,

"Among camel-jockies I'm Lawrence of Arabia, among guilty-innocents I'm Phil friggen Spector, among great cowboy movies I'm Broke-back Mountain, among all those in Hell I'm the goddamn Devil, among gnarly cannibals I'm Mike Tyson, and among cannibal gourmet food I'm the nonexistent Children of Lennox Lewis.

"...Suffice it so say I am all this! But if you REALLY want to understand My Supreme Powers and highest glories... Then check out this super-cool Swiss Army Knife!

"Know it for certain, Arjuna, that what ever is good and nice in the world is but a reflection of My glories! And of what is bad and nasty in this world, well, you can blame that geek in N. Korea with the funny hair style!

"Catch My drift, Oh son of Kunti!?

"Now let's talk about My illusionary energy, Maya, Aka Monika Lewinsky."

Arjuna rolls his eyes (like, please, anything but Monica), "OK Krishna! My illusion is now gone, and from now on I'll stop breaking my head on friggen MS Windows and switch to using Mac computers! Alright?"

Then Arjuna eyeballs the two heavy-duty gangs assembled there, and asks Krishna, "So, what about this friggen rumble? You already said that You wouldn't fight! So, jeez! How come I gotta?"

Lord Krishna cops a sly grin and laughs, "Ha! As if YOU wanna drive this friggen chariot!" Then He turns serious, "Bro! Here's the bottom line: You can either go live in a cave with Bin Laden and his peg-leg side-kick (where there will definitely be no email connection), OR you can kick some righteous butt in this holy gang fight!"

Arjuna has a better idea: "Bro, when you left Dwarka were any waves breaking?"

Krishna's like, "Why? You wanna go surfing?"

"You still got that 9.6 Phil Edwards model I can use?"Arjuna asks,

"Jeez! Of course!" Krishna replies, "Even God wouldn't ditch a friggen Phil Edwards model!"

Arjuna's face lights up, "Dude! Before we get messed-up in this rumble why don't we go check out that cool reef-break off Satyabhama's Palace. If the tubes are pumping then lets hit the waves."

Krishna thinks for a couple Yugas, then He replies, "Arjuna, you think this friggen war is dangerous!? Jeez! Don't you remember what that reef is like at low tide? Gnarly, dude!!! Anyway, I thought it was 'My call?'"

"Yeah, I guess so!" Arjuna shrugs.

It was THEN that Krishna uttered the immortal word, "COWABAANGA!"

And ever since then COWS & BAANG are sacred in India.