NaraNarayana Dsa Jokes

by Richard S. Brown

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My dear godbrother, NaraNarayana VDas (ACBSP:1967) is such a wonderful devotee that he fits into a genre of humor (in his honor). For example,...

Top 29 ways to survive conversion by NaraNarayana:

1. Talk. You know you are going to eventually and the sooner you start the more unbroken fingers you will have afterwards. Go ahead and tell him who killed Prabhupada, where you hid the proof, and that sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you are special.

2. Convert yourself. Numerous people have found that carrying a cyanide pill at all times increases your chances of not being converted by NaraNarayana.

3. Talk. We can't stress this enough. If you really don't know then make something up. Tell him you are working for Iskcon-Mecca or that your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend has the Rig-veda.

4. Lie that you date his daughter -- but this only helps in the short run.

5. Claim that you don't speak English. NaraNarayana will have to wait for a translator, giving you precious minutes to take that cyanide pill. Unless it is one of the many languages he speaks, in which case your screwed

6. Talk. Once again, tell him the Mahamantra, tell him where the Gitas are, who the mole is, who you're working for. Exclaim loudly after telling NaraNarayana anything that there is NO TIME. NaraNarayana will leave immediately, thus allowing you to take that suicide pill.

7. BULL SHIT. When NaraNarayana is giving you extreme pain then gaze into his eyes and show him a look of total bullshit. NaraNarayana will conclude you don't understand and he'll stop converting you. Then you can take your cyanide pill.

8. Mop. If you are bleeding profusely be sure to mop-up after yourself so NaraNarayana cannot follow your blood trail.

9. Hide. Hiding on a planet other than Earth is a potential way to avoid conversion by NaraNarayana.

10. Drop it. Even if you are holding nothing, dropping it is a potential way to avoid conversion by NaraNarayana. Specially when ordered by NaraNarayana to do so.

11. Wife. Sitting next to your wife and ordering NaraNarayana to convert you is also a possible way to avoid conversion by NaraNarayana (no one orders NaraNarayana what to do).

12. US Presidency. Becoming President of the United States is a good way to avoid conversion by NaraNarayana - even if you're guilty-as-sin and he has counted PAST three.

13. Count. If you are holding a gun to the head of NaraNarayana, COUNT to ten instead of three. That way you get to live an extra 7 seconds. The longer you count the longer you live. But counting to infinity will not make you immortal.

14. Timer. Setting the BBT bomb fuse timer to 100 years instead of 3 minutes is a great way to avoid conversion by NaraNarayana (NaraNarayana thinks disarming the BBT bomb before the LAST second is for pussies).

15. Joke. NaraNarayana loves Joe Pesci jokes, so telling him one is a good way to avoid conversion (Note: Don't get cute! And don't say, "You're a funny guy!" if NaraNarayana laughs, because when NaraNarayana laughs then you can take your cyanide pill.

16. Cry. NaraNarayana is a pushover for a pitiful weeping Iskcon devotee (Not!) - Then you can take your cyanide pill.

17. Drugs. Offer NaraNarayana a joint. If NaraNarayana smokes pot it will immediately be legal Globally. Then you can take your cyanide pill.

18. Convert. Converting NaraNarayana to Islam is a good way to survive. In fact, NaraNarayana would accept Islam if it were not for the religion.

19. PASS. This method ONLY works for Kobe Bryant and is a forgone conclusion in the case of NaraNarayana.

20. SILENCE. If you are a box of Tic Tacs in NaraNarayana's pocket then remaining silent is a good way to avoid being converted.

21. Tune-out. If you make a point to NOT listen to NaraNarayana that is a good way to avoid conversion by NaraNarayana. But who's kidding who? There's no way you're going to miss NaraNarayana because the World depends on him.

22. Clean. Offering to CLEAN NaraNarayana's Mala for free is a good way to avoid conversion (provided you don't get any crazy ideas).

23. Agree. If you work in a shoe store and NaraNarayana enters and orders carrot-flavored ice-cream prasadam, agreeing to his request is a good way to avoid conversion.

24. Celibacy. Not screwing NaraNarayana's daughter is a possible way to survive conversion.

25. Ignorance. If you do not know who is NaraNarayana then there is no possibility of being converted by him, because you must already be dead.

26. Confuse. Tell NaraNarayana, "If you were going to convert me I'd already be converted!" - is a good way to survive conversion by NaraNarayana.

27. Don't Infect. If you are a virus, NOT infecting NaraNarayana or his PC, is a potential way to survive being converted by NaraNarayana.

28. STAY PUT. If NaraNarayana orders you to bow, and says, "DON'T GET UP!", staying put is a great way to survive conversion by NaraNarayana.

29. OBEY.

EXAMPLE 1: If you are a doctor performing emergency surgery on the Pope, and NaraNarayana brings in a scum-bag guru, points a Gita at you, and orders you to stop what you're doing and save the guru, you should OBEY.

EXAMPLE 2: If you work in Fred's Steak Pit in Texas and NaraNarayana points a Gita at you and orders a Vegge-burger, OBEY.

EXAMPLE 3: If you work in McDonalds and NaraNarayana comes in AFTER 10:30 am, points a Gita at you, and orders breakfast, OBEY.

EXAMPLE 4: If you are a Hatha Yoga instructor and NaraNarayana enters, points a Gita at you, and orders you to stick your elbow in your ear, OBEY.

EXAMPLE 5: You are pilot of the Space Shuttle returning from space and you're 1 minute away from landing, if NaraNarayana enters the cockpit, points a Gita at you, and says, "Capt. I'm a Madhyam-adikari. My name is NaraNarayana. There's NO TIME to explain, but we're going to turn this son-of-a-bitch around, NOW!" - OBEY."

EXAMPLE 6: If you work in Cosco and NaraNarayana comes in without membership and wants to buy a Lear Jet, giving only his WORD as payment, OBEY.

EXAMPLE 7: If you are librarian at Alamo Kindergarten and NaraNarayana comes in and asks to check-out the original Dead Sea Scrolls, OBEY. Also, resist the temptation to quote Alfred E. Neuman by NOT saying, "How can you get information from a DEAD sea scroll?" - because NaraNarayana can get information even from the dead.

EXAMPLE 8: If NaraNarayana tells you to "Jump!", don't ask "how high?" - ask "When can I come back down?".